random musings

here iam in delhi, sulking hottt , may be not like the men in this city, but at least , delhi couldnt tarnish my sense of who iam,though its a constant struggle everyday , to not get involved into one of those expiry-date relationships, and yet keep on searching for one!!!!
yes the fish is in plenty,myriad colours and enticing hues, yet delhi is not what i had hoped it would turn out to be....i guess for once it failed to charm and awe a small towner, though that doesnt etches my name into its gloriously infamous past!!!!!
to live and breathe, if thats what constitutes life i am living, but the oblivion that seems to have descended upon my so far well preserved hedonism has been finally able to scratch its its surface...its hard to admit , but yes, i guess, i am turning into the jaded queen ( not very literally) that i had always loathed!!!!
pessimism is so liberating at times, that it sets in a very pseudo rewarding masochist pleasure of inflicting injury and then not allowing it to heal...but the price of this eroding pleasure is steep, it takes away inner subjective space, leaving senescent and brooding guilt...
i guess!! in a way i'm lucky that i'v realised this in time, but the difficult path lays ahed!!!
with old friendships and promises almost withering its gonna be one hell of a job!!! but if utopian manifestation of the higher being that i am so adamant to find in this universe, it will put me through tests , and only when i survive those, endure the wrath of heavens will i be able to find him...paulo coleho effect!!!!!
so i guess i'm still surviving not very happy, but very gay...

broken

i had been preparing myself for this eventuality for a long time, i had forsaken the pleasure of ruminating over guilt and past, in all ignorance succeeded in making myself believe that i am beyond hurts and i had blocked the very epicentre of pain. that reality no longer held the power to inflict its righteous threat on my eroded domain.

and yet it did, hit me, in my face like this cold, icy wind does. dramatic !!! nah!! well as expected i didnt get through the entrance to my post graduation. so here i am !!! gay, single and hopelessly lost ,creeper thriving on my parents!!! and have come to a stage in life where sex is no longer a need and hunger is all about food, fashion is about wearing anything and well friends!!! oh yes well , we could give broken heart's club a run for their money....

so to speak what options do i have. to live one full yr wid a bunch of breeders , salvagely thrashing each other's genitals with words and impregnating the bath room with our raging sperms like a drill, mandatory and traditional. or to live at home, well atleast i get to see gay porn though other chores wont differ much!!!

i did gain some perspective though...i mean uptill now my life was a fairly normal and average. weekly sex, good grades , parents were happy and well i was fairly contented...i gotta see the other side now.. and just about 6 months and world is upside down..so now i know what it feels to be growing old and yeah!!! (i hate to say so) being a loser...so much for perspective...i suck at gaining that too...

so i will sleep over my broken sense of invincibility...hopefully morning will be better and i wll carve out another cocoon and wait for another blow!!! until then cya

ps: if at all u read it...forgive me the typos...i am no mood for a spell check

faith

faith is a very fragile thing. you cannot cling very hard on faith, it turns into an obsession, and then it shatters away because we lose the essence of it . and u cannot even let it slip away. ur own essence falls apart.

so what is the precarious balance that we must find between the two.
why is it that we always need something to hold on . Is it a need to rationalise belongingness or vanity of our greedy conscious to find purpose. to root ourself to a stable ground, which could be anything, from our own hopes or some one else's, we constantly weave a yarn of self consoling virtuousity that mingles with our innate instincts , gives meaning to infliction of fanatic righteousness that gives us meaning and earth to hold on and find our own paths.

so we find faith as a to strengthen it, but then loose sands dont form formidable castles. an ounce of doubt, little contradiction, and faith is lost.