the story

silence has finally given up, the frozen lake rose to its nemesis with one crack and its destiny lost forever, or rather i should say it reached its destiny. for long it had been known as the frozen mass of water which seemed harsh, shrill and very cold, unfathomable heart of lonely depths that invoked fear and curiosity at the same time.
for those who had tried to break its icy cover were lost forever, demons had devoured them, atleast, so said the people, fables replete with spirits and blood, languished along the eerie frost exacerbated by excruciating silence that swept over its surface, wafting across centuries, held still by gaze of the curse that had been bestowed upon it, punishing audacity of innocence that had once ruled the springs.
for all it was just the blooming love, and dash of youth, in the summer that had curdled the blood into the raging larva that had in one exalting outrage, devastated everything that came along its way. somewhere deep within the forest in the perifery of this lake , still echoes the songs that they created, their laughter , the fragrance of their bodies still lurks amidst the mossy earth.
some of the trees still stand witness to their caresses, their madness, their love making, their pleasures and their sins.
clandestine that it was, hidden from the prying eyes of the world that would have labelled their love into unspeakble acts of rebellion against the nature that sheltered them, they had been in love from the moment they had exchanged their first glance, and voice lost its meaning and purpose after that, for lips were silent if not entwined, and eyes talked , and their bodies celebrated the riot of love, and touch had gone beyond the confines of mundane senses, two boys, two men, soul-mates, who later had to pay the price , the ransom of their lives, slaughtered , buried, their graves at the altar of love!!!

continues............

let the pheonix be born

two days after the catastrophy!!!
i look into the vacant expression of my eyes. i hear a lot of hue and cry, people seizing every possible cjance to blame and consol themselves. some are fighting to death over last chunks of the kill, consolation prize to decorate their failing spirit.

but for me, tears dont seem to come, no wailing ,no weeping, and i wont fight for the consolation prize. i want this to end. let it burn to ashes and mingle with dust. and behold silence in my eyes, my most feared object, silence will be my ally now.

but wait, what does this flicket say to me. the oblivion and the silence are temporary. let the storm brew within, for this is just the awakening of the tempest, the new life order is about to be reborn, from this earth that contains the power of ashes, let the pheonix be born!!!!!!!!

reality is so undefined!!!

One scene after another, like reels of a motion picture, life seems to be running, characters coming , going, saying their lines only it doesn’t seem real. Its like as if iam jumping between scenes randomly connected dots that end up making a picture, like scattered dreams, only that I am watching them like a bystander, watching my ownself like a passive viewer from a realm that’s not well defined. Blurred sense of suspended immobility, like passages between dreams where there is only darkness and a realization that I am sleeping and my eyes are closed and what seems so real and comforting today is nothing but a dream that my subconscious weaves to ease out bottled desires.

To what do owe this sense of inexplicable emotion. Pain , it cant be, because it doesn’t hurt, grief, but its not heavy, relief , then why don’t I feel free. Its more like indifference , a sense of having and yet not being able to possess. To be bleeding and yet not feel pain. To be smiling and not be able to be happy. To be moving and not yet walking.

Truth and lie I wish were clear dimensions , bounded by lines , or color coded or some sort of way that comes so natural to our affliction of prejudice that could clearly demarcate them. Binocular vision at what expense when most of what we see is blurred , self consoling virtous reality created, destroyed and modified at whims of our intelligence. So what do I have half truth, three fourths truth, incompelete lies and a reality fixed by bandages over and over again that even contorsion seems a parody.

broken

i had been preparing myself for this eventuality for a long time, i had forsaken the pleasure of ruminating over guilt and past, in all ignorance succeeded in making myself believe that i am beyond hurts and i had blocked the very epicentre of pain. that reality no longer held the power to inflict its righteous threat on my eroded domain.

and yet it did, hit me, in my face like this cold, icy wind does. dramatic !!! nah!! well as expected i didnt get through the entrance to my post graduation. so here i am !!! gay, single and hopelessly lost ,creeper thriving on my parents!!! and have come to a stage in life where sex is no longer a need and hunger is all about food, fashion is about wearing anything and well friends!!! oh yes well , we could give broken heart's club a run for their money....

so to speak what options do i have. to live one full yr wid a bunch of breeders , salvagely thrashing each other's genitals with words and impregnating the bath room with our raging sperms like a drill, mandatory and traditional. or to live at home, well atleast i get to see gay porn though other chores wont differ much!!!

i did gain some perspective though...i mean uptill now my life was a fairly normal and average. weekly sex, good grades , parents were happy and well i was fairly contented...i gotta see the other side now.. and just about 6 months and world is upside down..so now i know what it feels to be growing old and yeah!!! (i hate to say so) being a loser...so much for perspective...i suck at gaining that too...

so i will sleep over my broken sense of invincibility...hopefully morning will be better and i wll carve out another cocoon and wait for another blow!!! until then cya

ps: if at all u read it...forgive me the typos...i am no mood for a spell check

faith

faith is a very fragile thing. you cannot cling very hard on faith, it turns into an obsession, and then it shatters away because we lose the essence of it . and u cannot even let it slip away. ur own essence falls apart.

so what is the precarious balance that we must find between the two.
why is it that we always need something to hold on . Is it a need to rationalise belongingness or vanity of our greedy conscious to find purpose. to root ourself to a stable ground, which could be anything, from our own hopes or some one else's, we constantly weave a yarn of self consoling virtuousity that mingles with our innate instincts , gives meaning to infliction of fanatic righteousness that gives us meaning and earth to hold on and find our own paths.

so we find faith as a to strengthen it, but then loose sands dont form formidable castles. an ounce of doubt, little contradiction, and faith is lost.

At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!

Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!

i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad people. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.

So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path

so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!

ps- sorry for posting it again...but its more legible and readable now.

QUEER AND JUDGEMENTAL

At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!

Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!

i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad peoplel. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.

So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path

so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!