random musings

here iam in delhi, sulking hottt , may be not like the men in this city, but at least , delhi couldnt tarnish my sense of who iam,though its a constant struggle everyday , to not get involved into one of those expiry-date relationships, and yet keep on searching for one!!!!
yes the fish is in plenty,myriad colours and enticing hues, yet delhi is not what i had hoped it would turn out to be....i guess for once it failed to charm and awe a small towner, though that doesnt etches my name into its gloriously infamous past!!!!!
to live and breathe, if thats what constitutes life i am living, but the oblivion that seems to have descended upon my so far well preserved hedonism has been finally able to scratch its its surface...its hard to admit , but yes, i guess, i am turning into the jaded queen ( not very literally) that i had always loathed!!!!
pessimism is so liberating at times, that it sets in a very pseudo rewarding masochist pleasure of inflicting injury and then not allowing it to heal...but the price of this eroding pleasure is steep, it takes away inner subjective space, leaving senescent and brooding guilt...
i guess!! in a way i'm lucky that i'v realised this in time, but the difficult path lays ahed!!!
with old friendships and promises almost withering its gonna be one hell of a job!!! but if utopian manifestation of the higher being that i am so adamant to find in this universe, it will put me through tests , and only when i survive those, endure the wrath of heavens will i be able to find him...paulo coleho effect!!!!!
so i guess i'm still surviving not very happy, but very gay...