let the pheonix be born

two days after the catastrophy!!!
i look into the vacant expression of my eyes. i hear a lot of hue and cry, people seizing every possible cjance to blame and consol themselves. some are fighting to death over last chunks of the kill, consolation prize to decorate their failing spirit.

but for me, tears dont seem to come, no wailing ,no weeping, and i wont fight for the consolation prize. i want this to end. let it burn to ashes and mingle with dust. and behold silence in my eyes, my most feared object, silence will be my ally now.

but wait, what does this flicket say to me. the oblivion and the silence are temporary. let the storm brew within, for this is just the awakening of the tempest, the new life order is about to be reborn, from this earth that contains the power of ashes, let the pheonix be born!!!!!!!!

reality is so undefined!!!

One scene after another, like reels of a motion picture, life seems to be running, characters coming , going, saying their lines only it doesn’t seem real. Its like as if iam jumping between scenes randomly connected dots that end up making a picture, like scattered dreams, only that I am watching them like a bystander, watching my ownself like a passive viewer from a realm that’s not well defined. Blurred sense of suspended immobility, like passages between dreams where there is only darkness and a realization that I am sleeping and my eyes are closed and what seems so real and comforting today is nothing but a dream that my subconscious weaves to ease out bottled desires.

To what do owe this sense of inexplicable emotion. Pain , it cant be, because it doesn’t hurt, grief, but its not heavy, relief , then why don’t I feel free. Its more like indifference , a sense of having and yet not being able to possess. To be bleeding and yet not feel pain. To be smiling and not be able to be happy. To be moving and not yet walking.

Truth and lie I wish were clear dimensions , bounded by lines , or color coded or some sort of way that comes so natural to our affliction of prejudice that could clearly demarcate them. Binocular vision at what expense when most of what we see is blurred , self consoling virtous reality created, destroyed and modified at whims of our intelligence. So what do I have half truth, three fourths truth, incompelete lies and a reality fixed by bandages over and over again that even contorsion seems a parody.

broken

i had been preparing myself for this eventuality for a long time, i had forsaken the pleasure of ruminating over guilt and past, in all ignorance succeeded in making myself believe that i am beyond hurts and i had blocked the very epicentre of pain. that reality no longer held the power to inflict its righteous threat on my eroded domain.

and yet it did, hit me, in my face like this cold, icy wind does. dramatic !!! nah!! well as expected i didnt get through the entrance to my post graduation. so here i am !!! gay, single and hopelessly lost ,creeper thriving on my parents!!! and have come to a stage in life where sex is no longer a need and hunger is all about food, fashion is about wearing anything and well friends!!! oh yes well , we could give broken heart's club a run for their money....

so to speak what options do i have. to live one full yr wid a bunch of breeders , salvagely thrashing each other's genitals with words and impregnating the bath room with our raging sperms like a drill, mandatory and traditional. or to live at home, well atleast i get to see gay porn though other chores wont differ much!!!

i did gain some perspective though...i mean uptill now my life was a fairly normal and average. weekly sex, good grades , parents were happy and well i was fairly contented...i gotta see the other side now.. and just about 6 months and world is upside down..so now i know what it feels to be growing old and yeah!!! (i hate to say so) being a loser...so much for perspective...i suck at gaining that too...

so i will sleep over my broken sense of invincibility...hopefully morning will be better and i wll carve out another cocoon and wait for another blow!!! until then cya

ps: if at all u read it...forgive me the typos...i am no mood for a spell check