here iam in delhi, sulking hottt , may be not like the men in this city, but at least , delhi couldnt tarnish my sense of who iam,though its a constant struggle everyday , to not get involved into one of those expiry-date relationships, and yet keep on searching for one!!!!
yes the fish is in plenty,myriad colours and enticing hues, yet delhi is not what i had hoped it would turn out to be....i guess for once it failed to charm and awe a small towner, though that doesnt etches my name into its gloriously infamous past!!!!!
to live and breathe, if thats what constitutes life i am living, but the oblivion that seems to have descended upon my so far well preserved hedonism has been finally able to scratch its its surface...its hard to admit , but yes, i guess, i am turning into the jaded queen ( not very literally) that i had always loathed!!!!
pessimism is so liberating at times, that it sets in a very pseudo rewarding masochist pleasure of inflicting injury and then not allowing it to heal...but the price of this eroding pleasure is steep, it takes away inner subjective space, leaving senescent and brooding guilt...
i guess!! in a way i'm lucky that i'v realised this in time, but the difficult path lays ahed!!!
with old friendships and promises almost withering its gonna be one hell of a job!!! but if utopian manifestation of the higher being that i am so adamant to find in this universe, it will put me through tests , and only when i survive those, endure the wrath of heavens will i be able to find him...paulo coleho effect!!!!!
so i guess i'm still surviving not very happy, but very gay...
Showing posts with label revelations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label revelations. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
reality is so undefined!!!
One scene after another, like reels of a motion picture, life seems to be running, characters coming , going, saying their lines only it doesn’t seem real. Its like as if iam jumping between scenes randomly connected dots that end up making a picture, like scattered dreams, only that I am watching them like a bystander, watching my ownself like a passive viewer from a realm that’s not well defined. Blurred sense of suspended immobility, like passages between dreams where there is only darkness and a realization that I am sleeping and my eyes are closed and what seems so real and comforting today is nothing but a dream that my subconscious weaves to ease out bottled desires.
To what do owe this sense of inexplicable emotion. Pain , it cant be, because it doesn’t hurt, grief, but its not heavy, relief , then why don’t I feel free. Its more like indifference , a sense of having and yet not being able to possess. To be bleeding and yet not feel pain. To be smiling and not be able to be happy. To be moving and not yet walking.
Truth and lie I wish were clear dimensions , bounded by lines , or color coded or some sort of way that comes so natural to our affliction of prejudice that could clearly demarcate them. Binocular vision at what expense when most of what we see is blurred , self consoling virtous reality created, destroyed and modified at whims of our intelligence. So what do I have half truth, three fourths truth, incompelete lies and a reality fixed by bandages over and over again that even contorsion seems a parody.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!
Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!
i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad people. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.
So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path
so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!
ps- sorry for posting it again...but its more legible and readable now.
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!
Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!
i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad people. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.
So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path
so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!
ps- sorry for posting it again...but its more legible and readable now.
QUEER AND JUDGEMENTAL
At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!
Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!
i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad peoplel. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.
So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path
so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!
Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!
i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad peoplel. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.
So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path
so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!
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