LONELY HAPPINESS

sillhouets of happiness, shed silent tears,
to the broken loss of the crafted success,
for what was sacred that ran in blood,
was lost at altar,
at price of war,
decorated corpse, raise toast to life,
red isnt wine ,when bodies bled,
a gulp of blood,
a bite of flesh,
vultures of vanity fed to feast,
palaces of bones ,
dont last long,
they crumble at feet of love,
for whats eternal doesnt survive in shadows,
it burns in hearts,
and then blows in winds,
oh! fallen son of man,
rise beyond the knowledge,
ignorance has a gift to bestow,
redeem what failure has to teach,
that success is not always sweet,
the celebration of death,
would never beget,
and vacant earth to what regret,
when u wont have a soul to share,
not even hate , no one to fear,
so banish be thou,
in lonely success,
eternal lonely happiness!!!

some where in the himalyas, unaware of the turmoil the country was going through, it was a village where time had lost its meaning. it was one of those days when the men would engage in a revelry of the the local brew and dance, intoxicated, in a riotous orgy of the festive aroma and the the thumping enormity of the gigantic drums , beats that would reverberate in the mountains.

the air carried the festivity to that isolated lush that lay hidden in the very heart of the barren, rough and solid rock they had responded the the music in a rythmn their bodies had never known to exist. the cosmos seemed small and they felt as if the cords of the universe were in unison with the symphony that resounded in the air, under the stars , their innocence basked in the primal lust of uninhibited love.

the soul of the forest smelled the ait that carried whiff of their deed, sinful though, it rushed to the lake and whispered . ripples shook the bottom of the icy interior, disturbing the skeletons of veer and vikrant , entwined in an eternal embrace, the curse it had whispered can now be broken

random musings

here iam in delhi, sulking hottt , may be not like the men in this city, but at least , delhi couldnt tarnish my sense of who iam,though its a constant struggle everyday , to not get involved into one of those expiry-date relationships, and yet keep on searching for one!!!!
yes the fish is in plenty,myriad colours and enticing hues, yet delhi is not what i had hoped it would turn out to be....i guess for once it failed to charm and awe a small towner, though that doesnt etches my name into its gloriously infamous past!!!!!
to live and breathe, if thats what constitutes life i am living, but the oblivion that seems to have descended upon my so far well preserved hedonism has been finally able to scratch its its surface...its hard to admit , but yes, i guess, i am turning into the jaded queen ( not very literally) that i had always loathed!!!!
pessimism is so liberating at times, that it sets in a very pseudo rewarding masochist pleasure of inflicting injury and then not allowing it to heal...but the price of this eroding pleasure is steep, it takes away inner subjective space, leaving senescent and brooding guilt...
i guess!! in a way i'm lucky that i'v realised this in time, but the difficult path lays ahed!!!
with old friendships and promises almost withering its gonna be one hell of a job!!! but if utopian manifestation of the higher being that i am so adamant to find in this universe, it will put me through tests , and only when i survive those, endure the wrath of heavens will i be able to find him...paulo coleho effect!!!!!
so i guess i'm still surviving not very happy, but very gay...

the story

silence has finally given up, the frozen lake rose to its nemesis with one crack and its destiny lost forever, or rather i should say it reached its destiny. for long it had been known as the frozen mass of water which seemed harsh, shrill and very cold, unfathomable heart of lonely depths that invoked fear and curiosity at the same time.
for those who had tried to break its icy cover were lost forever, demons had devoured them, atleast, so said the people, fables replete with spirits and blood, languished along the eerie frost exacerbated by excruciating silence that swept over its surface, wafting across centuries, held still by gaze of the curse that had been bestowed upon it, punishing audacity of innocence that had once ruled the springs.
for all it was just the blooming love, and dash of youth, in the summer that had curdled the blood into the raging larva that had in one exalting outrage, devastated everything that came along its way. somewhere deep within the forest in the perifery of this lake , still echoes the songs that they created, their laughter , the fragrance of their bodies still lurks amidst the mossy earth.
some of the trees still stand witness to their caresses, their madness, their love making, their pleasures and their sins.
clandestine that it was, hidden from the prying eyes of the world that would have labelled their love into unspeakble acts of rebellion against the nature that sheltered them, they had been in love from the moment they had exchanged their first glance, and voice lost its meaning and purpose after that, for lips were silent if not entwined, and eyes talked , and their bodies celebrated the riot of love, and touch had gone beyond the confines of mundane senses, two boys, two men, soul-mates, who later had to pay the price , the ransom of their lives, slaughtered , buried, their graves at the altar of love!!!

continues............

let the pheonix be born

two days after the catastrophy!!!
i look into the vacant expression of my eyes. i hear a lot of hue and cry, people seizing every possible cjance to blame and consol themselves. some are fighting to death over last chunks of the kill, consolation prize to decorate their failing spirit.

but for me, tears dont seem to come, no wailing ,no weeping, and i wont fight for the consolation prize. i want this to end. let it burn to ashes and mingle with dust. and behold silence in my eyes, my most feared object, silence will be my ally now.

but wait, what does this flicket say to me. the oblivion and the silence are temporary. let the storm brew within, for this is just the awakening of the tempest, the new life order is about to be reborn, from this earth that contains the power of ashes, let the pheonix be born!!!!!!!!

reality is so undefined!!!

One scene after another, like reels of a motion picture, life seems to be running, characters coming , going, saying their lines only it doesn’t seem real. Its like as if iam jumping between scenes randomly connected dots that end up making a picture, like scattered dreams, only that I am watching them like a bystander, watching my ownself like a passive viewer from a realm that’s not well defined. Blurred sense of suspended immobility, like passages between dreams where there is only darkness and a realization that I am sleeping and my eyes are closed and what seems so real and comforting today is nothing but a dream that my subconscious weaves to ease out bottled desires.

To what do owe this sense of inexplicable emotion. Pain , it cant be, because it doesn’t hurt, grief, but its not heavy, relief , then why don’t I feel free. Its more like indifference , a sense of having and yet not being able to possess. To be bleeding and yet not feel pain. To be smiling and not be able to be happy. To be moving and not yet walking.

Truth and lie I wish were clear dimensions , bounded by lines , or color coded or some sort of way that comes so natural to our affliction of prejudice that could clearly demarcate them. Binocular vision at what expense when most of what we see is blurred , self consoling virtous reality created, destroyed and modified at whims of our intelligence. So what do I have half truth, three fourths truth, incompelete lies and a reality fixed by bandages over and over again that even contorsion seems a parody.

broken

i had been preparing myself for this eventuality for a long time, i had forsaken the pleasure of ruminating over guilt and past, in all ignorance succeeded in making myself believe that i am beyond hurts and i had blocked the very epicentre of pain. that reality no longer held the power to inflict its righteous threat on my eroded domain.

and yet it did, hit me, in my face like this cold, icy wind does. dramatic !!! nah!! well as expected i didnt get through the entrance to my post graduation. so here i am !!! gay, single and hopelessly lost ,creeper thriving on my parents!!! and have come to a stage in life where sex is no longer a need and hunger is all about food, fashion is about wearing anything and well friends!!! oh yes well , we could give broken heart's club a run for their money....

so to speak what options do i have. to live one full yr wid a bunch of breeders , salvagely thrashing each other's genitals with words and impregnating the bath room with our raging sperms like a drill, mandatory and traditional. or to live at home, well atleast i get to see gay porn though other chores wont differ much!!!

i did gain some perspective though...i mean uptill now my life was a fairly normal and average. weekly sex, good grades , parents were happy and well i was fairly contented...i gotta see the other side now.. and just about 6 months and world is upside down..so now i know what it feels to be growing old and yeah!!! (i hate to say so) being a loser...so much for perspective...i suck at gaining that too...

so i will sleep over my broken sense of invincibility...hopefully morning will be better and i wll carve out another cocoon and wait for another blow!!! until then cya

ps: if at all u read it...forgive me the typos...i am no mood for a spell check

faith

faith is a very fragile thing. you cannot cling very hard on faith, it turns into an obsession, and then it shatters away because we lose the essence of it . and u cannot even let it slip away. ur own essence falls apart.

so what is the precarious balance that we must find between the two.
why is it that we always need something to hold on . Is it a need to rationalise belongingness or vanity of our greedy conscious to find purpose. to root ourself to a stable ground, which could be anything, from our own hopes or some one else's, we constantly weave a yarn of self consoling virtuousity that mingles with our innate instincts , gives meaning to infliction of fanatic righteousness that gives us meaning and earth to hold on and find our own paths.

so we find faith as a to strengthen it, but then loose sands dont form formidable castles. an ounce of doubt, little contradiction, and faith is lost.

At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!

Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!

i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad people. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.

So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path

so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!

ps- sorry for posting it again...but its more legible and readable now.

QUEER AND JUDGEMENTAL

At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!

Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!

i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad peoplel. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.

So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path

so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!

my stint at spirituality and gayism!!!

I guess age does have its effects...it definitely has to do much more than free radicals or toxins in my body that i transformed from total one night stander to the "BABA" i had almost become... curiosity has always burnt holes in my head and well burnt other holes too!! my mouth for example when as a kid i had wanted to drink water right out of a boiling kettle! jesus!! ...the stints continued and my orifices paid the price...but that could be a different discussion..

coming back to point Now 6 months back i met some 19 yrs old ISKCON devotee...Smitten by his charm i let him introduce me to the glories of krsna (krishna)...it was fun in the beginning..like exploring a new body!! i am so gay! i could have come up wid a different analogy! .I believed everything in beginning.. though i always had my doubts , things they said were kinda dogmatic but ,over all iskcon ppl were genuinely warm until i started searching for a guru. . By now i was addicted to chanting, i had given up weekly sex, non-veg and felt so spiritual!!!. so i met this guru online...here is a part of my conversation with him.
me: why am i gay? ( ofcourse i knew that god wanted me to spare me from the trouble of bringing up children)

guruji: because of your karma.

me: huh???

guruji: in your past life you were so much sexually inclined that god decided to punish you by making u gay..(such a disappointment, i wasnt gay in my past life, man!!! i must have missed so much fun)

me: so i am not supposed to have sex

guruji: gay sex is illicit since it doesnt lead to offsprings and reproduction ( why give man a perennial sex dive if all its meant is for reproduction....create heat seasons insted)

me:even if i get committed to one partner , i will still burn in hell for loving him and having sex

guruji:yeah. give up "gayism"...and make penances for your bad karma

me: is god perfect?

guruji: yes ofcourse

me:god created me in his own image the way he wanted me to, isnt it?

guruji: yes

me: so i am gay and god wanted me to be gay with a sex drive... and have sex right...or else he would have taken away my sex drive.

guruji: to suffer is your punishment...improve your karma.

i couldnt continue after that...though i did have many such discussion over gaykind and gayism wid many iskconians...and they have multiple factions within themselves too...aint a very perfect spiritual organisation so they dont have any perfect answers...And not all are homophobic.And this by no means is an attempt to criticise ISKCON. Its a great organisation and some aspects of it are really impressive.

The effects it had on me were lasting...i mean i did mess myself up with quest of love (which still continues) and ironically am asexual being as of now. I liked their way of chanting and their music too ( way better than the women who hone their singing talents in temples across india) ...Better or worse than before i dont know...i mean whose parameters do i follow??

One thing for sure i was supposed to write my MD/MS entrances ( yeah ! yeah! am a medicine graduate) and i screwed up big time... so price of my curiosity was really steep...the whole journey with iskcon was a roller coaster ride, emotional and very real . In the end i dont have any regrets with my stint at babagiri because discovery of the self comes through experience and change, and that is the real spirituality, to be at terms with one's own functioning, true harmony with the GOD within!!

THE PICS ABOVE ARE PART OF SOME ARTWORK I (atleast i get to call it art work...u can trash it if u want! But in my defence i did it on computer and with a mouse , not a tablet, and jesus!!! not every gay guy is meant to be an artist!!)

MEMORIES HAUNT

The sun was receeding and last embers were filling my corridor with orange hue..he stood there, with the happiest smile on his face, his golden brown hair accentuating the beauty of sunlight. His untucked shirt broke the serenity of the evening in a manner as intriguing as his glance, the way it still rips me apart, shatters my poise, and makes me want to run and touch him, feel his breath, and lose myself in his arms...his laughter, the contempt in his eyes, burns within me...and here i thought i was through this...love has wierd ways, it hurts u when u least expect, yet saves u when you are almost about to lose..

Pain is a powerful master, unconsciously we are seeking pain, and are deeply scared of happiness...We depend on this constant companion, or else why do we enjoy hurting the one whom we love the most...We dont enjoy their suffering, but ours...i often ask myself if it is possible to forgive one self after we are done wounding our own selves...In an attempt to love and then live love and also its destruction, we end up losing a part of us forever...i lost mine, to him, and got a part of him, the fragrance of his hair, his touch, angles of his bones are not just memories, but entwined in my soul like my breath...i dont remember him every second but cant live without those memories...

i often wonder if he still remembers me the way i do...Does he still love me the way i still do...can distances physical or otherwise ever destroy love...Can two people even after giving up on each other give up love...Many of us realise it very late that we just started loving when we just thought it was hatred..gulit brings pleasures , gives us an alibi to deny ourselves what we most want to hold...yet we give it away

my queer revelation

The other day i was cruising g4m , clicking pics before reading profiles, searching for some inspiration for my libido that had worn out pornography, so some snap shots of real human anatomy ( not that porn is unreal!!) seemed a better option than finding a "guy with place". man! my situation seemed hopeless , a contest between the lazy bum and the hungry ass, and the former seems to be winning. sex drive is such an over-rated pleasure.
And as if to provide solace to my vexated vanity, universe conspired ( paulo coleho effect) and popped up in my message window "hai dear".
now my instincts honed over years of cruising, told me to delete the message, i mean who reads "hai dear". but as i said it was a cosmic intervention, and what chances did i stand (member of the minority) and so i replied with a haughty wassup!. after a few usual messages invented ofcourse by the pioneers of gay cyber dating, and passed unchanged over years of gay cyber history, he asked me "when did u know u were gay?"
was that even a question as if it was a historic event of significance" the sky was overcast, and the clouds were roaring, and the angels came down as my dick took its first stand, and then the divine revelation by the gay-god ,that son blessed be you with homosexuality", i replied.not that he was the first one to ask it, but i have always been baffled by the question.
Was it a specific event, a certain number of my chronology , or some definite moment ? when did i know i was queer?
Was it at 12 when the old leacher had seduced ( which infact is a different story ) me? nah!
or was it at 8 when in that lazy after noon at the day care home i had with a peer of mine indulged with each other's privacy. Even as a kid i had fascination with dick!
When other boys would show their penises in exchange of vaginas to actaully commemorate the differences of their sex, i had always wanted to see a dick! gross!!
the fascination still continues.
Or was it at 6 when a nieghbour , a high school stud at that time, whom i adored and worshipped , showed me some glossy pornographic magazine. he had told me every guy has that thing between "his legs". "do u have it?" he had asked. And then he had slid his hands under my trousers and made me hold his stiff boner. the image is still clear, but my emotion is not. My heart had never run that fast, but what was it? fear or excitement? i am yet not so sure...
I have been gay from as long as i can remember. there was never a phase of denial, not even a shred of doubt. so i guess the "queer revelation" had never happenned on any certain day or moment..i was born with it and it always felt normal like any other instinct. I wonder at times do straight people have a revelation that they are straight?
i was never "queer" to my own self...i guess world made me "queer" and that was a revelation.