Saturday, January 24, 2009

QUEER AND JUDGEMENTAL

At 24 active and gay , closeted, whiling time on g4m, chatting and yapping with new people, making friends ( with expiry dates, some even within hours ) , sleeping with strangers with standard "no sex seekers" policy. Inwardly , secretly hoping, that one day, the prince would come and sweep me off my feet ( i always had my gay versions of snowwhite and cinderella).
so thats how life is...moving with zero displacement.
some times i chat with men who are old, married with kids. and i tell them that i am waiting for the perfect guy, my soulmate and then when he comes i will defy all norms , cross all barriers, charge a charade and rebel against my feudal family. so much for fairy tales!

Or on a humanitarian note, i dont want to spoil a girl's life. ofcourse sex can still be managed ( all u gotta do is imagine a hot bloke , wish it was that easy, but so many married men have narrated their procedure). i know the protocol by heart and i could write THE QUEEER'S GUIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN. But coming to women its not just about sex, i dont feel connected to them emotionally. chauvnism doesnt leave mankind, be it straight or gay, and then women say most good men in world are either married or gay!!

i often wonder about the human nature and its affliction to stigmatise things and classify them into compartments. straight people classify us a homosexuals. We classify ourselves into top, bottom and versatile. then we put more lines and arrows and brackets and subclasses to accomodate the drags, cds , queens, leather junkies, gym bunnies and so on.. And we hated the classification of animal kingdom. So we have stigmatised sex seekers, one night standers, old, married men. we hate to be judged by the world, and yet we judge our own kind. cannibalism is prevelant.
occasionally i lure a sex seeker into chatting with me. they are not bad peoplel. some, infact are very insightful under the mask. . But as vanity would have its way, it invariably ends with an argument b/w the virtuous sex and the mindless one. no body wins , but we feel satisfied as if a purpose has been accomplished.


So with lofty ideals, and committement to my own gayself, at times i drift and wonder what if in future i dont ever meet my soulmate, what if i get married to a woman and have sex outside marriage (its a convinient option) or what if i do take a stand and have a series of unfulfilling and lost relationships and after few years be the old man reviled by the youth then. Its a scary thought. lowers down my upheld morality and stark judgement. what would my comrades say( another subsection of ppl who uphold the principles of being unapologetic proud gay) when they see me treading the forbidden path

so i come to a conclusion. Its very easy to criticise married men , condemn sex seekers, and even leachers who have sex with young boys , but to really understand what drove men to that ,is a difficult point. The standards of normal and abnormal, criterias for good and bad are man made. We feel ostracised and homosexuality becomes a victim of prejudice but then within our realm we practice it with same fervour.
So may be tomorrow i will end up being, what today, i am scared to be, or may be i will not. As of now its an experience, like walking was once. If one loses his legs in an unfortuante an accident , he doesnt regret walking that first step , does he? Whats happenning today in my life is sacred and unique and if things turn ugly later in time , this time would remain beautiful in memories to last. It will only hurt if i give the right to judge me to other people queer or not it doesnt matter!!!!

1 comment:

  1. sorry for my late response to this posting...each n every word u've said are true n we all feel the same...the future in regards to relationship is pretty blur. The article is profound n true. Keep writing...

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