Monday, January 19, 2009

my queer revelation

The other day i was cruising g4m , clicking pics before reading profiles, searching for some inspiration for my libido that had worn out pornography, so some snap shots of real human anatomy ( not that porn is unreal!!) seemed a better option than finding a "guy with place". man! my situation seemed hopeless , a contest between the lazy bum and the hungry ass, and the former seems to be winning. sex drive is such an over-rated pleasure.
And as if to provide solace to my vexated vanity, universe conspired ( paulo coleho effect) and popped up in my message window "hai dear".
now my instincts honed over years of cruising, told me to delete the message, i mean who reads "hai dear". but as i said it was a cosmic intervention, and what chances did i stand (member of the minority) and so i replied with a haughty wassup!. after a few usual messages invented ofcourse by the pioneers of gay cyber dating, and passed unchanged over years of gay cyber history, he asked me "when did u know u were gay?"
was that even a question as if it was a historic event of significance" the sky was overcast, and the clouds were roaring, and the angels came down as my dick took its first stand, and then the divine revelation by the gay-god ,that son blessed be you with homosexuality", i replied.not that he was the first one to ask it, but i have always been baffled by the question.
Was it a specific event, a certain number of my chronology , or some definite moment ? when did i know i was queer?
Was it at 12 when the old leacher had seduced ( which infact is a different story ) me? nah!
or was it at 8 when in that lazy after noon at the day care home i had with a peer of mine indulged with each other's privacy. Even as a kid i had fascination with dick!
When other boys would show their penises in exchange of vaginas to actaully commemorate the differences of their sex, i had always wanted to see a dick! gross!!
the fascination still continues.
Or was it at 6 when a nieghbour , a high school stud at that time, whom i adored and worshipped , showed me some glossy pornographic magazine. he had told me every guy has that thing between "his legs". "do u have it?" he had asked. And then he had slid his hands under my trousers and made me hold his stiff boner. the image is still clear, but my emotion is not. My heart had never run that fast, but what was it? fear or excitement? i am yet not so sure...
I have been gay from as long as i can remember. there was never a phase of denial, not even a shred of doubt. so i guess the "queer revelation" had never happenned on any certain day or moment..i was born with it and it always felt normal like any other instinct. I wonder at times do straight people have a revelation that they are straight?
i was never "queer" to my own self...i guess world made me "queer" and that was a revelation.

3 comments:

  1. Too ogood for a first post! :)

    I feel baffled when someone asks me that question! It did not happen as some paticular moment of someday commemorated by a power cut or a lightening strike.. I just knew! Always did!


    I just hope u keep writing... blogs ain't easy to maintain! I'll love to read more from you!

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  2. hello dear
    so artistically written
    god bless ur fingers
    loved the way you wrote it
    love
    akash khanna
    badmash boy on g4m

    ReplyDelete