I guess age does have its effects...it definitely has to do much more than free radicals or toxins in my body that i transformed from total one night stander to the "BABA" i had almost become... curiosity has always burnt holes in my head and well burnt other holes too!! my mouth for example when as a kid i had wanted to drink water right out of a boiling kettle! jesus!! ...the stints continued and my orifices paid the price...but that could be a different discussion..
coming back to point Now 6 months back i met some 19 yrs old ISKCON devotee...Smitten by his charm i let him introduce me to the glories of krsna (krishna)...it was fun in the beginning..like exploring a new body!! i am so gay! i could have come up wid a different analogy! .I believed everything in beginning.. though i always had my doubts , things they said were kinda dogmatic but ,over all iskcon ppl were genuinely warm until i started searching for a guru. . By now i was addicted to chanting, i had given up weekly sex, non-veg and felt so spiritual!!!. so i met this guru online...here is a part of my conversation with him.
me: why am i gay? ( ofcourse i knew that god wanted me to spare me from the trouble of bringing up children)
guruji: because of your karma.
me: huh???
guruji: in your past life you were so much sexually inclined that god decided to punish you by making u gay..(such a disappointment, i wasnt gay in my past life, man!!! i must have missed so much fun)
me: so i am not supposed to have sex
guruji: gay sex is illicit since it doesnt lead to offsprings and reproduction ( why give man a perennial sex dive if all its meant is for reproduction....create heat seasons insted)
me:even if i get committed to one partner , i will still burn in hell for loving him and having sex
guruji:yeah. give up "gayism"...and make penances for your bad karma
me: is god perfect?
guruji: yes ofcourse
me:god created me in his own image the way he wanted me to, isnt it?
guruji: yes
me: so i am gay and god wanted me to be gay with a sex drive... and have sex right...or else he would have taken away my sex drive.
guruji: to suffer is your punishment...improve your karma.
i couldnt continue after that...though i did have many such discussion over gaykind and gayism wid many iskconians...and they have multiple factions within themselves too...aint a very perfect spiritual organisation so they dont have any perfect answers...And not all are homophobic.And this by no means is an attempt to criticise ISKCON. Its a great organisation and some aspects of it are really impressive.
The effects it had on me were lasting...i mean i did mess myself up with quest of love (which still continues) and ironically am asexual being as of now. I liked their way of chanting and their music too ( way better than the women who hone their singing talents in temples across india) ...Better or worse than before i dont know...i mean whose parameters do i follow??
One thing for sure i was supposed to write my MD/MS entrances ( yeah ! yeah! am a medicine graduate) and i screwed up big time... so price of my curiosity was really steep...the whole journey with iskcon was a roller coaster ride, emotional and very real . In the end i dont have any regrets with my stint at babagiri because discovery of the self comes through experience and change, and that is the real spirituality, to be at terms with one's own functioning, true harmony with the GOD within!!
THE PICS ABOVE ARE PART OF SOME ARTWORK I (atleast i get to call it art work...u can trash it if u want! But in my defence i did it on computer and with a mouse , not a tablet, and jesus!!! not every gay guy is meant to be an artist!!)
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment